/***/You and You/***/

They say
"like mother like daughter"
well why not
like father.
Is it because
I'm a daughter.
But look
I am your daughter.
Even though
you don't want
me near a part
of you makes
a part of me.
Therefore I'm
not me without
being you. And
her "motherdear"
does he see you in me.
You, are you
why I have no him.
Should I blame me,
you, or him.
Why am I
a combination
of both of you,
and what both of you do not want.
Is it my face
or the way I express my place.
The middle I am,
yet the bottom I feel.
Love,
where does it fit
because the one
I love says
"you must always love".
But if love
doesn't love me
then why should I like love.
You
with your rage and your guilt,
and you
with your shame and your pain.
So this just leaves me
with only confusion to blame.
I take it, yes.
And face it everyday.
May I take it
and twist it
and flip it around
becasue I
cannot let this
hold me and break me down.
So when I,
yes when I am me
it will be too late
to claim that part of me
which you just couldn't love.
But me,
I will be me
with you
and your rage and your guilt,
and you
and your shame and your pain.
So thankyou to you
and thankyou to you
because of both of you
I am now me.

10/30/08

We're trying to hold on to this love fading away. Catch me and hold me if deep down you want it to be this way. I beg you not to let me go, yet your staring me in the face while I'm slipping away. Please, just le me see hope. Hope, where has it gone. You, you were there all the time and I see you now, where have you gone. Am I not your focus have you tossed me to the side. Am I now your trash or not uet that. I see you as your sweater that you once loved so much. You have had it for a while but the closet it must go. Everytime you choose another shirt or a different jacket my color continues to fade away like my eyes on those lonely days. My pride, my soul, me, I hurt. And then that lucky day comes where you open the door then pull me off the shelf. I'm skeptical and don't know what to expect. All of a sudden, but it never fails, you lay me back down. Ones time is precious, that I have learned. If nothing else I take this away. Me, me. Why not me? A question that I asked. A little of your time is what I needed, wanted, and longed for. Now, I realize, you have let me slip away and I'm falling down. Day after day, do you see me because it seems you don't want to stay. Its like trying to walk up and the stairs are moving down. Where is the switch. I didn't know I had turned it around. And me now, as low as the ground. How much longer will it take to turn this frown into a smile.

Moving

A new day, a new beginning.
One sometimes needs a fresh start,
But no one ever told me starting over
Would be so hard.
If I keep my legs moving, then
My day will be straight.
And then those feelings of,
Love,
Anger,
And Hate.
Just wait!
I have been made over,
turned over a new leaf.
Those memories, though pushing
Themselves through.
The door it almost closed,
But lock it, I don't know if I'm through
See, I'm standing, but strong
I think not.
Why won't it stop.
Oh, its me.....
I have the key, and when
In time all else fails,
The door will be locked.

"Who R U Fooling"

I bet you stay up an extra few hours picking out your clothes,
and a few extra minutes making sure you got out every rinkle.
Then you smile with your heartbreaking dimple. It's not time to call
it a night yet, because you can't sleep unless you know for a fact
that your colors match. A fam, check this out. Waking up your roommate.
How does this look, man? Man, you must not be the one in control.
If I am remembered it won't be by this, cuz this just ain't worth it.
Now of course its okay for you to continue living like this, but when
life is almost over with, what will you be remembered by. Someone
reminisces on your past, Oh yeah, and he was just so fly. He wouldn't
leave the house unless his swagg was right. That's right, he did it right.
And now you looking down like that's all they can say. Like damn those
late nights and money spent, but they still don't see me only who I was
trying to be.

Idk........

Um, you take control of me. I'm a fiend for you before I open my eyes in the morning. Your smell blows past my face on days when I just cannot get you off my mind. And my mind, well it wonders all the time. Should I call, should I text, or should I just leave you alone. But alone gets me all the time because it just give me ample time to remember, to look, to laugh, and to cry. You seem like that favorite toy you waited so long to get. Now that you have it you dare not touch it. It's always so close to you but you fear of ruining it. Well, I won't ruin it. I will try to run it. Running this long race, I have no choice if I really want to see your face. Come, lets just embrace. If we continue to stay at this steady pace I will have you. And have you ever looked at me in a different light. The light is bright but you must look past it to see the truth. Being blinded only keeps hidden from what you unknowingly know. You see, we know, but because we choose to stay blinded by the light. The important things slip right past our eyes. So its up to us to hold on when we have something we desperately want but is afraid to touch. Only you can determine your next move.

Well, well, well.......

Well, an eye is what? Something one may look out of or something that can show you opportunity. Maybe, my eyes are tricky because I seen you and what I know what you are capable of. Do you take what your eyes see literal or not? A question I often ask myself. It is true or it is not. The situation may just be but I think you knew I would be watching you. Was it all a front to throw me off guard? Well, well, well, look at what we have now. You think I will be ponder on these thoughts, then you must think you know me all to well. You see, I see you and know I do. So when you do the things you do, it is best for me to ignore. See all I need is your reaction. Haven't you heard the saying, "actions speak louder than words," Yes. You will tell me all I need to see. So when I see what you want me to see, I let your actions interpret them for me. So, thanks for being my eyes, you see.

today

Today was a day. I guess that really did not explain anything about today. Well, I could say that today was a warm day, not temperature wise, but how I felt about today. Was it the best day; I think not! It could have definitely been worse. Now its all about smiles. Your attitude determines how your day may go and one thing I continuously do during the day is smile. I love smiling. Who out there loves to smile? I am telling you it will change your day around. Happiness saves a lot of time and energy. So, the next time you feel like your day is going downhill, just smile.

I always seem to be working

You see, working does not fit in one category. It belongs to many. When I say that I am working, I am either working at my actual job, i.e. desk clerking, or going to class and doing school and homework. When I am not doing these two things of course I am relaxing enjoying myself. Okay, that is not true but I wish it were. Actually I would be sleeping because school and my job are extremely demanding of time. There are not enough hours in a day. I lay down and before I can close my eyes good my alarm is going off telling me to get up. Even though this is still the beginning of the school year I am already worn out. My body, mind, soul needs a break. Then I realize that working is a major part of life. If I did not not work I may not be able to manage my time or help myself stay focus on what needs to be done. So many stories I have heard about college and how staying up late and partying is the thing to do. You rarely hear someone saying that school is the most important thing and college is not about how many parties you can get with or how long you stay out at night. See, working is responsibility. I am responsible for myself and the actions that I take. As of right now I am at my job basically falling a sleep. I am so tired I do not think I can get up in the morning. Time goes by fast when you are working on so many tasks at once. Maybe if I endure this hard work now, life might be a little bit easier for me in the long run. I thank God every morning for waking me up and allowing to even be able to work. So even though it always seems like I am working, it is really the way I am preparing myself for the future me because I always seem to be working.

4-7 Shift

Man, getting up at 3:30 is harder than I ever thought. Deep down in mind I wanna just roll over and go back to sleep. Curling up with my pillow and wrapping myself in my covers. That sounds so good right now, considering I'm working the 4-7 shift right now. Eyes barely open and brain barely working, but I made it here. No one is up and every creak catches my attention. This is crazy, why do I work a 24 hour job? This question will remain, but for now it is time to go.

It Starts With You

This a chain of events. Do you really want to continue the cycle. My mind is spinning out of control. See, you must not actually understand what we are going through. We face your reality because you refuse to. I struggle day after day, carrying your burdens around. It seems to that when I give them to God you give me more to pick up. Actions speak louder than words, oh how many times I heard that. They say you grow up and become the parent you hate. But, i do not hate you, I hate your ways. I continue to see myself make bad decisions just as you do. Though they are not the same things, I fear that one day It may. If not for me, my sisters and brothers. God It Starts with her. She alone has to seek the desire to change. How can you expect us to follow the right path if the path your taking is the complete opposite. I cry out to God, please help my family. You have all power and can change all things.

School has Started

Today I walk into my first class with a black teacher. This may not be a big deal to many people but last year I did not have one black teacher. I'm sitting in the lecture hall before class has begin and I'm hoping that this will be a wonderful experience for me. There is a majority of blacl people in here and those will be different for me. I'm looking forward to this semester.

Something About U!

You. Well, it is hard to explain. Something about u draws me close to you and something in me pulls away. My heart says i want you, but my being has already hurt you. This may be the reason why? Something about you brightens up my day and puts a smile on my face at the very thought of you. I cannot explain it, but you feel so right to me. Waking up with you on my mind and going to sleep the same way. This I cannot change. It is natural to me. Its just something about you that touches my spirit. You complete me and thats all It is to it.

Obedience is Key

Goodmorning bloggers! This morning I picked up my Bible and decided to read it. You know that reading Gods word will strenghen you and give you all the answers you need un life. Obedience was on my mind so thats what i wanted to read about. Now i understand that i am laying not most obedient person in the world and therefore i want to better myself. I always find myself worried about my family, especially my little brothers. My brothers in my mind are very disobedient to my parents and in Deuteronomy 21: 18-21 says that if a son is disobedient that he should be stoned. I understand they will not be stoned but i know that God is not pleased. I try to find ways to talk to them and share with them. Something I have realized is that i have to commit myself to being obedient to God first before trying to help others. You learn something new everyday.

Goodmorning

Goodmorning to everyone. I am happy today and thankful that God laid me to bed and woke me up this morning. I am a new person through Jesus Christ. Now I can go through my day happy and telling others about what my amazing God has done for me. I love waking up knowing that I am special because God mademe in his own image. Though it is easy for me to get made, I will try my best to stay calm in any situation thrown my way today. By controlling myself I can ultimately control the situation. See God has blessed me to know him at an early agE. This I am happy about and am most thankful for. The are many paths I can take in this life and I choose the path he has laid out for me; because I know at theend of the path he has laid is eternal life and not condemnation. I pray that everyone else get to know the lord as I do and that they have a wonderful day.

Destroyed w/ A Smile

:-) This is a day where i woke up and did not want to even sit up. Not because of anything else but my destroyed heart. I do not know what to do or how to fix it. I have forgiven myself and i thought that this would definitely fix the way i felt but it has not. Can some please give me some advice? What should I do to fix the way I feel? I need help but I do not want to admit it. I guess all I can do is wait and see how my life turns out.

What About Love!

Love, when spoken can mean various things. Love is an intangible thing that one can give and recieve. The Lord your God said that everyone should love God, yourselves, and others. This might sound easy but you should love God even when the things you have prayed for have not been given to you. You should love yourselves even this and that person talks about you or because you have done something thts make you feel like a terrible person. You should love others even though they do not love you or have done something bad to you. If God can forgive everyone and love us, though we continue to sin knowing it is wrong, then no one should question whether or no to love God, themselves, or there neighbor. Love God because he created you and gave his only son to die on the cross for your sins. Love yourselves because according to Psalms 139:13-14 For you created my inner being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Last, love others because God first loved you and in order to practice love you should love others. God is amazing and has given everyone the ability to love and I thank him and praise him. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

Holding A Grudge :-(

This morning I read Esther 3:16. The Jew Mordecai had a grudge held against him and i to myself how must he feel knowing that some is holding a grudge against him. My case is different, I feel as those I'm the holding the grudge and it is against myself. I began to think, "what can I do to help forgive myself?" Well, the only possible choice was to ask God to forgive me and to giveme the ability to forgive myself. Advice to everyone, forgiveness is key and no matter how many times you have done something wrong, there is always enough room to forgive. Once you have fallen, get back up. Trust that God will help you and encourage you. In 2 Timothy 3:16-17 the scripture says, "All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God May be thoroughly equipped for every good work." This lets me know that no matter what you are facing in life Gods word has the answers to it all and it will truely help encourage and strenghen you continue living your life.

Why?

i claimed this day that it will be us. where were u in my troubled times. no one is perfect and if u believe that u r then thats what makes u not perfect. is there a limit on mistakes? is there a limit on how many tims ones can fall and get on back up. show me, show me please. ur not doing this. its causing confusion, frustration, and pain. Why? that particular question is always the hardest to answer. pouring out my heart, my feelings is hard enough. u are dear to me yet u wanted this no more. tell me how u can actually do this to me. my questions need answers????????

Thinking

I thought that one day I would just wake up and your were right beside me. Will that day ever come? Plans we make but time is the issue. We don't want to rush to fast by man it's killing us. I think about the times when we are together. Do you ever? That's a silly question because I know you do. Your in my dreams and your in my thoughts. Can this day just please come when would be together forever. I think back about times before it was me and you. And now I can't imagine life without you. We made this possible and think your an angel.